A random ramble – 30.01.2015

There comes a time in one’s life when a series of events makes us take a look at ourselves and it tells us that it is time to make changes in order to accommodate and keep up.

Every day, we learn something new, whether we learn it on a conscious level or a subconscious levels. We learn that there is no need to be attached to material objects that we need to learn to let go of things that don’t serve us. Whether it be parts of our mindset, very old habits and taking responsibility for what we do and who we are.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been seeing things that I’ve noticed in myself. Old habits & patterns and discovered where I made so many errors in judgements. They were some very tough lessons and it took me a few years to realise this… I guess it all comes down to learning how to manage emotions. Which for me, being a naturally emotional person has been rather difficult to achieve.

I’ve tried being emotionally numb, emotionally distancing myself and it resolved in shutting down and developing non-healthy habits. In the end, we all want happiness and joy but we all seem to get it and it only feels like a few days when it is taken away.

Being an empath and feeling other people’s emotions. It has forced me to really work on emotional strength. To identify when there are emotions that I’m feeling that are not my own. To explain this, I am currently feeling a variety of emotions that aren’t mine. I know whom they belong too but this time, I choose not to respond to them as for quite some time, I would act on them and reach out to the person that has them. I would then be drawn into the drama…. The best thing I’ve found when emotions get the better of us is to let them happen and put them to the side, acknowledge them and let the moment pass. It doesn’t meant to retreat into yourself and create a bubble (like I used too), just let it happen.

One thing I learned is that just because I can feel something doesn’t mean I need to get involved as I have my own things to sort out. If I need too, I’m sure there’ll be a message on my phone or a missed call. At the moment, I do find it challenging that I want to message the person to let them know that I’m there for them because I love them but I won’t succumb to this any more. I’m not trying to prove anything but I need to focus on my life and I no longer want to suffer any more.

I could go further into telling a story where I chose to do something and spend a significant amount of time sacrificing my own life to appease people. Whether it be the ex-wife or ex-girlfriends… I subconsciously made the decisions to do certain things, under the assumption I’m doing it because I care but no, it wasn’t even because of that. It was because I have been in abusive relationships that I got into this habits. When trying to discover our own personality, we are innocent, we are influenced by other people and we follow their guidance.  Then shit happens and we feel a sense of shame come over us because of our own actions but what it has done has brought on change. We look deep into these actions to see where the fault lies within ourselves so we can become wiser people. A better version of our self and a better view of life.

In the end… this is just another ramble…